Ask Happy

Have you ever wondered why the sky is blue or why beaver glands are used as vanilla flavoring? If so, you should ask Happy! Happy Dave will answer your questions, how ever he damn well pleases.

Ask Happy

Happy, am I too old to have a teddy bear? I am 41.
Dear thumb sucker and bed wetter! It’s your life you can do whatever the fuck you want as long as it doesn’t mess up anyone else’s life.

I hear voices in my head; am I crazy?
Dear; Thorazine may be your new best friend. There is no easy answer to your question with so little to go on. I would say as long as they don’t tell you to harm yourself or others have fun with them. Take them out to lunch and talk back to them. Here is some other stuff that might help and a link that has more info and offer some support if you feel you need it:

Causes – Until recently voices were regarded as a symptom of a mental illness and not talked about because of fear of stigma. Hearing voices is still considered by psychiatry as an auditory hallucination and as a symptom of conditions such as schizophrenic disorders, manic depression and psychosis. Traumatic life experiences (e.g. sexual abuse, neglect, loss of a parent) are considered to be among the most significant triggers of auditory hallucinations, particularly among children. As many as 70% of participants in one study reported that hearing voices following a traumatic or significant emotional event.

Treatments – The orthodox treatment is with major tranquillisers. These do not get rid of the voices. In the past, mental health professionals were taught not to let voice hearers talk about their voices as this was thought to be colluding with the person’s delusions and not helpful. Most often professionals sought to distract the voice hearer from their voices. Research has shown that many people hear voices, and some cope well with their voices, without psychiatric intervention. It has also been found that many people who hear voices regard them as a positive part of their lives. There are several other avenues that have helped others and may help you: Talk to other voice hearers. This gives you the opportunity to share experiences and to learn from one another.

Discuss your voices – This helps you learn to recognize their games and tricks, as well as their good aspects, and to identify patterns that are specific to given situations. This can help you to be better prepared for future onset of voices. Voice hearers may think they are alone in hearing voices. This can lead to feelings of shame or the fear of going mad. Anxiety often leads to the avoidance of situations that might trigger the voices, stopping people leading a full and rewarding life. Anxiety severely restricts freedom of movement, and strategies of avoidance often seem to exacerbate the problem.

Seek explanations to account for your voices – Understanding where the voices come from and why, and what triggers them can be helpful in developing a coping strategy. Unless some meaning is attributed to the voices, it is difficult to establish a relationship with them in order to feel more in control. Approaches that discourage voice hearers from seeking mastery of the voices tend to yield the least positive results.

Accept that the voices belong to you – This is the essential first step in the process of developing your own point of view and taking responsibility for yourself. This is one of the most important and difficult steps to take.

For more help check out this link: www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/h/hearing-voices
This is also the source of my rant.

Happy, I’m a virgin, Any tips anal sex?
Dear, can I buy you a drink: Start small and work your way up, AND USE LOTS OF LUBE. Water base for vaginal. Silicone base works best on anal if you choose that route. And use PUDGEY PROTECTORS (condoms). That about covers it.

What does the phrase “pulling your goalie” mean?
Dear, Icy: A hockey team down one goal might wait until the final 60 to 90 seconds to pull its goalie. If a team is down two goals, the coach might do it with two minutes or more remaining if they have players out on penalties. You can only have so many players on the ice. Of course, it isn’t safe to pull a goalie unless the puck is at the far end of the ice. Didn’t see that coming did ya!

What is homo-milk?
Dear Illiterate: HOMO milk is short for homogenized. Homogenization is the process of breaking down the fat molecules in milk so that they stay integrated rather than separating as cream. Homogenization is a purely physical process; nothing is added to the milk.

What do you think about Americans?
Dear, boring and vague: Happy has a life. I have better things to do with my time then to contemplate about random people.

Are you considering running for Mayor in the future?
Dear, HAPPY WORSHIPER: NO I am not unfortunately being the self-proclaimed “Coolest Muther Fucker in Chicago” doesn’t qualify me as a viable candidate. Plus I’m too honest; the Democratic machine would chew me up and spit me out. No thanks…

Are you for team Peter Murphy or David J?
Dear, so far off the mark: TEAM HAPPY & ONLY TEAM HAPPY…….

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