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by Kristen Frith

There are no courses in the proper etiquette for dildo shopping. Embarrassing yourself or the poor clerk is probably not the goal if you decide to walk into a sex toy store. Nobody wants to be a douchbag in a place that may very well sell douchbags.   Do not worry your pretty little heads my curious lovers of kink! I can help you ease the tension. There are many places that go out of their way to make friendly and educational environments for all of us lucky grown ups, especially us women. Here are a few helpful tips for things to do, and things to avoid when you find yourself in one of these sexually oriented retail settings.

There are some things that you can expect from most places carrying adult merchandise. First, the return policy normally is that there are no returns. This is a very good thing. Consider what you may be purchasing in a store like this and ask yourself, “would I want a used…?” Be prepared!  This also means that the clerk is going to open the package and turn it on. This is not to show the entire store how awesome your new vibrator is, or to make you blush. They are making sure that the toy works, and that you will not be back in a day asking for a refund.

This is a good time to learn more about what you are buying. You should understand basic things, like how the batteries load into the toy, and how the buttons work. Also, ask questions about the materials it’s made out of to avoid allergic reactions. This can also affect how it needs to be cleaned and maintained, and even what kinds of lubricants are compatible. Your sales associate will be more than happy to explain all the features your new friend has to offer. Don’t be embarrassed to ask about any concerns you may have. Most of the people who work in female oriented toy stores are committed to empowering and educating their customers.

It’s easiest if you have some sort of idea of what types of things that you are looking for. Do you want a little something for external stimulation? Maybe a type of restraint that is more exciting than the furry handcuffs you can buy at the mall? You don’t have to share all of the details of your desires. You do have to provide enough information so that the person can help you find something that will work for you. Don’t worry; they are not imagining you using any of these things. They are more focused on explaining the products in general.

The person helping you will not appreciate certain questions, especially if they are female. Please avoid saying these things at all costs, even if you think that you are just trying to be funny. First, don’t ask if they give demonstrations. They are there to help you pick out a butt plug, or a cock ring, not to harass. Second, never ask which toy they have at home. If they feel like sharing this kind of personal information then they will. Asking makes you sound like you are trying to get a mental picture, and not just truly interested in if it‘s a quality dong. Third, don’t shout things like, “does anybody actually buy that?” You are in a store, not a museum. Things there are for sale, and when you choose to walk into those places, it’s not funny to be a judgmental asshole. The person standing behind you might actually love “that” and you just made them feel bad for no reason. Jerk.

The bottom line is that it’s a fun, but sensitive subject. If you can’t conduct yourself like an adult when surrounded by things that make you want to giggle like a child, then I suggest the internet. Same for if you only want to point, and gawk. In addition, if you are just too uncomfortable sharing what kinds of things you need or enjoy with a sales person, it may be better if you explored these ideas in private where you find yourself now… on-line!